Am I Kidding Myself?

I've been asking myself a question lately that I really don't like.

Am I kidding myself?

Hypnotitron dared me to make a game. So I made and published Neon Chain. Then I made Salvage Run, which is sitting in front of the 1.44MB Game Jam judges. Now I'm writing code for Zed Invasion.

I think I'm good at this. That's not really the problem. The problem is Neon Chain hasn't done well. Hypnotitron thinks it needs more game mechanics. Maybe he's right. I think it needs retention FIRST. Figure out why people aren't coming back before I spend a bunch of time giving them more shit they're apparently not coming back to play. Makes perfect sense in my head. Of course, I could be completely wrong.

Then while I'm working on Zed Invasion, my brain drifts to websites. One idea for my own site turns into another and suddenly I've built Hypnotitron a website. Then Smitten. Then I'm designing another one. I've been doing that since 1996. Thirty years of experience means I don't spend much time wondering if I know what I'm doing. Game development hasn't given me that luxury yet.

And while I'm trying to figure all of this out, yesterday my internet got shut off. VantaQueen managed to get it turned back on until payday, but that's the same damn hamster wheel I've been bitching about. Payday comes, bills eat it, repeat.

Here's the part that really screws with my head: I absolutely KILLED it at work yesterday. Double the day's sales goal. I'm a sales savant. Put me in front of customers and I'll sell shit. Apparently I'm really damn good at making somebody else money.

But I still couldn't keep my internet turned on.

VantaQueen sees what this is doing to me. She's commented several times over the last few days about how stressed and agitated I've been. She's right. I can't shake it because the practical answer is sitting right freaking there.

Get a second job. Stop spending my nights writing game code. Work more hours. Make more money. Pay the bills.

Except then what?

Work my first job so I can pay the bills. Work my second job so I can get ahead. Give up on Lonely Ranch Games because I'm too busy working to build it. Congratulations. Bigger hamster wheel.

I don't want another job. I want Lonely Ranch Games to be my only job.

I think I'm good enough to make games. I'm just starting to wonder if I'm kidding myself thinking I'll ever make a living doing it.